goodbyeeeeeeee 2020
hello friends and enemies all pls enjoy this under-formatted newsletter
enemies primarily refers to 2020 at large but look idk how u relate to me maybe u feel represented by enemies!!! who am i to judge
i ran a poll on my twitter asking what people would want to see in this newsletter and in accordance with those results and definitely definitely not only in accordance with what i feel like writing right now poll results be damned here is what you can expect in this email:
an update on THE WORLD ENDS HERE and other books i am writing/am supposed to write/am avoiding eye contact with
ways i have kicked the bucket in my assorted video game play over this past year (primarily in witcher 3 tbh i really had a rough go of it there)
the classic Favorite Media list but ONLY TELEVISION!!!!!!! not enough brain cells for books!!!!
Thoughts on how my brain has been chemically adjusted by watching 20+ seasons of bachelor/ette content in under 12 months
video game deaths, a top ten
1) tried to get on horse and instead fell off cliff
2) set self on fire
3) broke both legs jumping down a well
4) stung to death by wasps
5) tried to jump on large rock; large rock was a bear; bear not pleased
6) fell in a hole
7) killed by my own ghost
8) punched a harpy; harpy retaliated
9) inhaled poisonous stinky cheese mist
10) fell in the aforementioned hole again after saying out loud in my empty apartment "i had better not fall in that fucking hole again i swear to god" (after this one i had to take a walk to calm down)
assorted media
1) i may destroy you
2) the flight attendant (except holy shit do we have to talk about kaley cuocuocuocuocuo's bangs like what the Fuck is happening there)
3) ALL BACHELOR/ETTE CONTENT!!!!!!!!! see below for deep dive
4) bojack horseman final season did deep psychological damage to me thanks
5) away! listen i really liked away! why did nobody else watch away! i cried a lot when they were in space!
6) space force, which i include not because it was good but bc it was a very weird experience where you're like "okay all the elements are here for this to be a good show but it is very much not how did they do that" kind of like that serena movie with bradley cooper and jennifer lawrence but not like that at all bc there's no logging in space force
7) TEENAGE BOUNTY HUNTERS! UNFAIRLY CANCELED! I MOURN U
8) succession. succession now and succession forever and succession always. kendall my sad sad boy pressing his head against the newly installed barrier on the roof. willa throwing the ipad in the ocean. shiv making a fool of herself. succession.
ruminations on the Bachelor/ette Extended Cinematic Universe
first of all. what a gift. what an absolutely batshit gift these shows make - bachelor, bachelorette, the incandescent bachelor in paradise, and the unhinged BACHELOR PRESENTS: LISTEN TO YOUR HEART!!!!!!
my first experience with any of these shows came via peter's season of the bachelor which taught me to adore the subsection of Shitty Bachelors, i.e. leads who make inexplicable decisions and inspire only derision and a deep hatred, two of my favorite emotions. after peter's season i went on a Worst Men tour of the bachelor by watching juan pablo's season followed by colton's season followed by arie's season followed by nick viall's season followed by every single minute of franchise content i could get my hands on i am absolutely obsessed. i consider it my anthropological duty to continue watching until my dying day and afterward. because it IS an anthropological oddity - this entire show is just ???????? at all times!!!!!! it insists on true love and on ending in a proposal but also keeps its contestants just fucking HAMMERED whenever possible (i find this an interesting contrast with one of its UK peers, love island, which is markedly less puritanical but also markedly MORE "safe" (i mean...... safeISH) re: its contestants and their drinking. like okay bachelor god forbid two consenting adults hook up but it's totally cool that they're being manipulated and kept pliable via free alcohol.
i am also absolutely fascinated with the way bach has standardized the process - SORRY! JOURNEY! THE JOURNEY! - across its franchise. first you, as a contestant, meet the lead, and you say that you "felt a spark" or you "made a connection." if you are a woman on the bachelor you may say that the male lead is hot but ONLY if immediately followed by embarrassed giggling and or shrieking (no plain expression of sexual interest is allowed unless you would like to be given a villain edit). if you are a man on the bachelorette you may say that the female lead is "stunning" or "gorgeous" or "beautiful" but any compliments regarding her personality should be limited to "amazing," please. once you have made your connection you should then progress to "i could definitely see myself falling for them," and once you've done THAT you must then move on to "i'm falling for you" and you'd think! you'd THINK! that then you could say "i love you" (which, it's been three weeks, but okay). but no then you have to say "i'm falling in LOVE with you" which is a WHOLE DIFFERENT STAGE and only THEN can you say "i'm in love with you" and any deviation from this series of steps will be looked at as "emotional distance" or "not opening up" or the dreaded "relationship progressing more slowly than the other relationships here."
as a sidebar, the correct response to any and all of these declarations as the lead is just an "awwww" and then u gotta kiss them really quick so they don't say anything else like god please shut up. the power imbalance between the lead and their contestants is truly staggering. which is a feature of this not a bug but like NO WONDER THEY ALL BREAK UP!!!!!!!!!! NO WONDER PARADISE IS VASTLY SUPERIOR!!!!!!!!! god what a show. unparalleled.
the bach franchise is a world unto itself. stepping into it is like time traveling to the year 18-40000000 where everything is rigidly guided by puritan and patriarchal norms but ALSO there's hashtag female empowerment because the bachelorette lead makes the dudes play strip basketball but ALSO we're LIGHTYEARS INTO THE FUTURE because the producers ask a man to break up with someone live on camera for 20 minutes and then to go back afterward just to make it worse and he FUCKIN DOES IT!!!!!! GALAXY BRAIN CONTENT!!!!!!! i would kill to be a bachelor producer. and according to the show UnREAL that is probably how some people have become bachelor producers.
anyway tayshia and zac forever/i'm concerned about ben/did we all observe hannah b's intense period of learning racism exists after sAYING THE N WORD ON INSTA LIVE AND THEN BEING LIKE "OH SORRY I WAS DRUNK" (??? girl) this summer/how is it possible that hannah b then provided more educational resources for her audience than like 90% of people with a platform her size/i have a lot of feelings about hannah b
chris harrison please bring back listen to your heart and then marry me and then i will take control of all your financial assets thank you goodbye